If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
