My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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