The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
