Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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