I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
