so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
