Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
