hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
