Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
