I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
