She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
