dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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