Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
