You don't have asthma, your pregnant
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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