I wish my penis had an off switch
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize