piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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