He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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