dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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