so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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