Betty ford says i'm here all night
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize