New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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