i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
