At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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