If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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