god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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