mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
