So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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