I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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