just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
