When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
