when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Boobs are out for the taking
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
