his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
