I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We need a shit load of segways right now
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
