soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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