her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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