I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You can't special order awesome
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
