I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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