so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
