can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
