I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
