My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
