1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
