So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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