Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
