I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yo dont text me then not text me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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