He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
