You don't have asthma, your pregnant
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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