I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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