I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
