I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
