It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize