im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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