and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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