How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
