i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
