He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
