We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
