O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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