I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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