I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
