Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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