I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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