I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
